omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
