I wish my penis had an off switch
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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