she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
