I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
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Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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