i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
