If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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