I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
