Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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