this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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