its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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