And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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