Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
