We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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