I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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