last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
