I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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