Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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