he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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