Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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