Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
