I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
