You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm just crazy horny about you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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