Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
