I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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