he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You're like the curious george of whores
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
