its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
