In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
