I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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