Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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