Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
