3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
