I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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