I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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