i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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