Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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