Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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