If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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