so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want her autograph on my taint
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
did you just send me my own nude
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
