a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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