Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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