i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
