I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
