Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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