Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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