i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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