Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
