No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
