I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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