I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
