I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
