I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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