i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
