I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
