I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
