Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
