I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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